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The Flame Keeper

I told my husband that I bet his life will be much easier if he married a hijabi who cooks & clean instead of this messy, worrier & crier old me and he told me straight out that even he never think of that (😂), that if he wants all that stuff he should just find a maid instead. Now as teenager these days said green flag; green forest etc but that is a green world, y’all. That right there is a whole green world. Because he knows that a wife is so much more than just a domestic wife, right? That a wife is also a person herself with her dislikes; aspirations; dreams & such.  👱🏻‍♂️ : “You’ve been a very great support to me & to our child. That’s all that matters.” said husband and I thank God that my better half is that wonderful man. Because if a wife burns out then the whole family burns out with her, you know? That is how important a wife/mother is for the family. If the mother is astray then the family is, too. If the mother lost her laugh then the family’ll lost...
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Good sad

Is there such thing as a “good sad”? And no, it’s not a play of words. The word popped in my mind just now and well, it’s pretty intriguing. Some says a “good sad” is like a memorabilia or bittersweet memories or else but the word that I’m looking for is probably melancholy. Why is melancholy a good sad, you wonder? Isn’t it necessarily a bad thing? What good will melancholy do? Melancholy : “A feeling of thoughtful sadness.” The thoughtful part is quite a contrary from “Sadness without a definite cause”, right? one is thoughtful while the other is mindless sadness. But both definitions talk about the same thing, that melancholy is a “feeling”. And having a feeling is good. It’s great. That means that you are still connected to the outside world and being connected is wonderful. It means that there is still hope for things to get better, some things that will either come from yourself or from others. Sooner or later some lights will shine and the grass will grow. Even melancholy can’t ...

Enough for who?

I can’t sleep on some nights or even breath on some days, you know. My mind’s either fully stuffed or completely empty. It’s a real messed up one in one way or another. And some people’s just really good at covering everything’s up. I was walking on eggshells all the time, being cautious of how & when the next attack will be (which often times comes from myself) and whether or not I’ll be strong enough to take the fall. That’s why even the slightest remarks breaks me down. I’m also a pro at second guessing myself, you know. I literally wonder what else should I do to make me feel like I’m enough. But enough for who? I then asked. Enough for me, I think. I put such high standards upon myself of what should I do or be then stressing myself a whole lot from it. The expectation of other’s just so mixed up with mine I don’t even know which is which. That’s why, that’s why a peace of mind really is a rarity for me. So I don’t know, maybe, just maybe my first task is to love myself after ...

When love gets down the hallway

When love gets down the hallway, Will you, oh will you still stay? … We all knew that love isn’t all rainbows and unicorns but muddy patches and rough edges as well. Being two heads instead of just one force us to comply with each other, to compromise & communicate. And? Yep, you got it right. Lowering our ego. Well in my case it’s everything all at once so he got the full blown (😂). A hundred percent me, of course. It’s never him. I’m the one who ghosted him for days because of my always immediate flight response (conflict avoidance —red), I’m the one who cries mid-sentence because my thoughts & feelings are all so jumbled up and I have no idea how to communicate it to him, and I’m the one who said sharp things under my breath — hoping they’d sting. So yes, he’s been so patient with me and another yes, I’m not the saint everybody thinks I am and certainly not your cheerful-everyday guy. I’m a human just as much as you with so many lessons I still have to learn too. So thank y...

Part of The Lullaby

It’s all part of the lullaby, you know. The fight, the worry, the make up & the story, All embossed into your own unique book of spousal relationship.  Stories that will be passed down not in form of pages but in form of habits & inner voices, subconsciousness & second nature. The love, laughs, jokes, lessons and interactions that you & your spouse have will be passed down from your child to their next of kin then to their next of kin. It will be their lullabies. Your voice will be their voice & your behavior will be their behavior. You will determine your child’s character. So help me, God. Please help me to be someone I want my children to be.  Please guide my thoughts so it will be my actions, watch my actions so it will be my habits & nurture my habits so it will become my character. Help me grow so I can watch them grow, humble me so they can be humble & sow kindness in me so kindness is what they will reap. May we all, oh may we all live a lif...

The Shoulders

She carry us all so strong on both of her shoulders. Those broad and steady ones are very distinct from her other small stature but she carry them with such grace & gratefulness.   She carries all the loads, the should’ve and must haves; everything and everyone that crosses her paths. All will be taken a very good care of & by the end of the day, she’s just grateful that she manages to be a good listener, a wonderful spouse & one loving mother. “But then who carries her when time gets tough?” you asked. Well, that’s the amazing thing about her family. They carry her back. Gestures that is albeit small, but very meaningful. The instantly answered call whenever she needed (whenever he can), a come-back home even for 1 to 2 hours only, a hug that lingers a little longer & the reassuring smiles with those hearty and teasy laughs. And one little hand who reaches out to her over and over again with endless hugs & kisses, often times accompanied by a gentle stroke on h...

A Copenhagen Love Story

Ten minutes have passed and I.am.still processing this movie. So it started out as me just trying to find some feel good, smiley romance movie to fill my afternoon up and this movie is the total opposite of that. It’s a mix of every feelings merged into one (even disbelief) and thankfully, the aftertaste is still, a very good one. The first feeling that I catch on the first part of the movie is love, yet it turned into confusion, bravery, strength & determination on the middle part but on the last part, the movie really is about love but that deep, profound love that leaves you so speechless and so glad that the actress herself is able to experience such love. They talk about fertility treatment on the middle part of the movie that, to some people, is so real & very relatable because they literally went through what she went through. The hope & the despair, the stress, the tears & fears, those countless tests and all those injections before & even after the pregnanc...